I never thought I'd hate my life. I hate the crap that runs through my head even. I hate where I've ended up. Tho this isn't an end. I'm barely in my 30s. I have a husband who doesn't touch me. Never has. I hate how I look. Tried to change it, doesn't seem to help at all. People in my family keep dying. I just feel stuck. I'm tired of trying to make things better. To make changes that should be helping. nothing does. I'm in the same spot that I was in 2 years ago. Part of me says that i should walk away from my marriage. It's not getting better. part doesn't want to be a statistic. another part says, why bother. just one more thing i've failed at. I hate that I've gotten to this outlook on life. I didn't use to be this way. I'm usually an optimistic person. I'm just so tired . I thought i'd have kids, but i'm starting to accept/realize that i'm not going to get them. i'm getting older and you kind of need to have sex or money to have kids, and i have neither.
i have a best friend who'd listen, but she has her own burdens and issues. and she'd try to solve them, or push me to. and right now i just don't want to. i'm too tired. i can't hear the pep talks right now. i can't take the sympathy... the pity. The trainer, the food, the therapy... I'm no where. no progress. i'm so fucking tired that it hurts.